We were wanderers from the beginning.
Left to discover, explore, and reason with ourselves about our surroundings. I always looked at things through a veil of ice. More calculated, cold, sterile, and took things far more literal. You. You looked at things in a joyous light. You saw life and the world around it with happiness, laughter, and warmth.
Even your childhood meanderings yielded a view of youthful jubilance that many could only dream of. You wandered with such joy and laughter; it was so easy, it looked so wonderful. All the friends you have, all the hearts you touched, and all the love you gave; we wandered, but you had purpose.
I wish you could see the outpouring of love and kindness people have shown over the past two weeks. I wish you could see. You loved so much. You were bigger than life. In speaking to all your friends, they all said the same thing: you were the rock in their lives, the one that they counted on to be there, always; the one that always would bring joy to their days, especially when they were feeling down. You were larger than life; you gave joy to so many people. You loved.
But I want you to know that you were loved too. You ARE loved. You will forever be loved. Not just by me or mom and dad, but by your friends, your teammates, your co-workers; everyone you ever got to know, got them to smile, or got them to laugh. You are loved.
Even for all the grievances, the youthful misgivings, the strife you may have caused in one of your teenage angst driven cries of frustration, you were still the world to me- to many of us.
We went through the old photo albums this week. I couldn’t find a single picture of you with a sour look on your face. Always with a goofy look, a giant open-mouthed smile, or a look of delight. Not a single pouty face, frown, tear, or serious expression to be found.
There is no better testament to showing just how full of life you were than looking through the pictures in the albums, as well as the ones your friends took of you at parties.
For all the anger and frustration that I’ve harbored over the past two weeks about your foolishness and your stupid decision, the underlying feeling that has reigned is longing and sadness. I will never have you back. Through all the clichés of grieving, and searching for understanding, one thing holds true for me: I just wish I could talk to you one last time.
You would’ve been 19 today. Happy birthday little brother,