I get it, people are disgusted in me. I say things most others may never even think of, I am inappropriate, and I am probably not really worthy of any affection from people anymore after some of the comments I’ve said. I lack the certain necessity of verbal filter. For most of the things I say, I am truly sorry, I do not wish to offend, namely I am parodying most of what I view around me. College life, “bros”, silly girls whom are obsessed with their “beeeeecccchhhhheeeesssssss!!!!!1111 (etc)”, and just silly things in life in general. You look around, you see how desperate some guys are to attract any sort of attention to themselves in the hopes of having meaningless sex. You see girls who lose all inhibitions under the slightest influence and then have the gall to make fun of others who do likewise and talk so poorly behind their backs about them.
That is why I am the way I am. People around us are all rude. They have forgotten how to have fun without being a jerk, or they display themselves to the world begging for something to be said. Guys bragging about how many girls they can hook up with (it’s all about the kills), girls treating each other lower than dirt when they aren’t around, but are utterly gushy in face-face meetings. Something happened. Am I stuck in some sort of personal time-warp? How have I not become what I see around me? I have everything at my disposal: I am at a University with the best guy-girl ratio in the country, I am a varsity athlete (thus I have a reliable crew to hang with and partake in various shenanigans), I don’t give a shit about school anymore (it’s useless just memorizing facts), I am the blank canvas waiting for words to be wrote eve so prophetically about the wonders of my age. Facebook albums titled “Memories <3” or “Memories to Remember of such and such”, twitter posts about the most inane sandwiches I am currently eating, pictures of me and alcohol scattered throughout mine and my friend’s various mobile uploads to facebook, skype dates with some girls I want to bang, etc etc. Why has none of this reached me?
Instead, I’ve found myself to become a very bitter, very hallowed person. I simply do not care about how I may come across anymore. I do try to put up a front for more professional appearances, as I do have some semblance of dignity and respect for my parents (whom taught me the important life lessons when dealing with people whom you should respect). But for the most par, I don’t hold back. I see all this bullshit around me, all these people who claim to be adults and act like children. I have no patience for it. I feel like I’ve already aged and have seen it all.
I have become so cold towards people. I used to be very open with people; try to be friendly, try to be someone they can depend on, someone they can trust. Yet, when push came to shove, many threw out what semblance of trust I had given them. I just don’t understand how I am not permitted to be told things that others find concerning about me. Yes, I am a scary person. All 5’9”, 130 pounds of me. Terrifying. I tried to make myself available to these people, tried to present myself as a friend. Yet time and time again I found that my friendship wasn’t really wanted. So why bother trying anymore. You can only put in so much effort before you realize that all that time, energy, and emotion put into it is completely worthless. Try not to think of it as just one person with multiple tries. Think of it as multiple people, multiple times. People I thought were my friends, people I invested a lot of time and interest in, just for it all to be shoved back into your face repeatedly.
I love the friends that I have been able to keep and have been true to me and themselves. These are the people that I would do anything for. Its is the general population that has made me so cold and bitter.
If I’ve come across as a jerk, some sort of weirdo, or anything in between, I am deeply sorry. All I can say is this: a lot of the time people just want someone to listen to them. It goes back to not judging a book by its cover. You can never take a person you don’t know overly well at face value. Sit down with them, invest some of your time with them, show them some sort of compassion. Else they’ll turn into something like me; cold. I hold no qualms with people who simply can’t invest their time with others. It is unsettling as we are a relatively weak species yet thrive on our social interactions with one another. But I don’t care anymore. You didn’t invest anytime in getting to know me, so why should I continue to try with you?
Morbid much? Perhaps. But I feel slightly ashamed by the way which I have been seen recently. I am sorry if I offended you.
Experiences make us. Bitter experiences have impacted me as such.I still try to be open. I still try to be friendly. But no one seems interested. Oh well, it is the ever changing times around me. World’s changing, moving ‘neath my feet. I hold on. If you only knew.
I hope. And what is hope without the will to move on it. The trenches are long, deep, seeming to go on beyond any imaginable sight. Yet we tredge on, because there is the hope of friendship, of sunny days, that one day we will learn to trust again, and ultimately love.
I look forward to finding that special lady.
And still, if you only knew.