A Monster Among Us

It’s friday. This was the friday jam for me and my friend while we were in high school. Not going to say I missed highs school, but I will say I miss my friend.

It’s been five years man. Five long years without you. You were my best friend. I miss you man. In honor of the day and you, I am jamming out to all those old Disney classics you always wanted to watch when we hung out. We were so cool in high school… Yes, even Mulan (I only listened to Make a man out of you because… well, you know, have to have keep some face of my heterosexuality.

Yes, only four more month of bullshit. Of days of hate. Of days so filled with loathing of being that you no longer wish to exist. 4 more months of hating having to come home. Of having to struggle to look someone in the face, to bring words forth just to save some semblance of courtesy.

A still life while sitting here. Cold. Unwavering. Uncaring.

Yet we know that no matter how cold the winter, there’s a springtime ahead. It will happen. Brace yourself for the cold. These desolate times will pass. We cling to the hope that it will get better, as it always does.

People can be dirt. Yet stop and consider this: you have friends. You have people who love you, who care about you, who will be there for you. Maybe you just don;t realize it yet, you haven’t reached out just that extra step, leaned another inch off the cliff. The crashing waves below are frightening, yet the feeling radiating into your finger tips from the air above is ever inviting. Be brave. Let yourself be loved.

I’ve come to realize that no matter what there is always someone who will be thinking of you. Someone that cares for you, who will worry if you stop talking to them, wonder endlessly about you if you aren’t there. Even if it’s not the person you want, it is someone. You mean something to someone. It’s not a cold and desolate world out there. Its scary to look at, but warm when embraced.

Bullshit only lasts so long. You have the power to change it. I made the mistake of thinking bullshit would be okay. That I could deal with it. But it drags on with you, it clings to you and looms over like the proverbial thundercloud on gloomy days. I singed that lease thinking it wouldn’t be so bad. It took me too long to realize that I hate bullshit. So I did something about it. I stand by my actions. Make your life you’re own, unyielding and unbending to the thoughts of others, especially the fake, dumb people you have to go through life with. These people do not last. They are exchanged for those you realize care for you.

I can be patient for that long. After all, we’ve been waiting our whole lives.

I’d like to think my childhood was as awesome as Calvin’s. Truth be told, he does not have a whole lot of friends… by whole lot I mean any. I had a few friends growing up. Don’t talk to a lot of them anymore. I don;t know why. We were pretty good up until the last two years of high school, then things just kind of faded away… I’m not good at keeping friends. I DO try, it just never seems to work out. This isn’t some lonesome, depressing, achey-breaky heart felt shit. I promise. Kind of.

Fuck

Maybe it is.

Oh well. I tried to keep in touch in university. I did the whole skype thing, e-mails, texts, facebook shit; all that. My first few weeks at uni were hell. None of my friends from home wanted to really talk. They either straight up ignored me or would get back to me and just say they were busy and we’d only talk for a few minutes. It was really the first time being away from home without an immediate support group, I was always practicing for track so I didn’t really want to go out to parties in res because I got up early, so I didn’t really meet any people and the people in my suite… they were weird.  One guy was named “frog man” by all the people in my residence building. Why? He looks like a frog. Like literally, wide mouth, oddly flattish head, and I am pretty sure he has some permanent brain damage from smoking too much weed. He took about a minute to say hey, what’s up dude because each word was drrrraaaaaaggggggggeeeeedddd ouuuuuutttttttt brrrrraaaaaahhhhhhh. And his laugh… Haaaaaaaaaa (pause) haaaaaaaaaaaaaa (pause) haaaaaaaaa (pause…etc). That guy was chill as fuck.

But he roomed with probably the biggest like straitgh-up dweeby-nerdlooking guy I’ve ever seen. Picture Napoleon Dynamite mixing with Arnold Poindexter (revenge of the Nerds). That was this guy. Curly, unkempt hair; glasses, awkward speech, and the grimiest neck beard I’ve ever seen. No facial hair anywhere accept for neck pubes. And the only time I ever saw him was in the first week in class. He never payed attention… he sat at the front with his laptop playing world of warcraft. The whole class can see him just gaming there. That was the first week. Never saw him again after that.

I had a whole bunch of girls in my suite too. None of them were very interesting… they all sat in their rooms and did girl shit or whatever. I don’t know nothing ‘bout no girl shit. Dumb bitches.

Except there was this one girl… glorious thing she was. Being in Canada, you don’t often see bible-spewing kids running around, least of all at one of the public, forward thinking universities. This girl was straight-up bible spewing. She was nice about it, but damn… She was 19, she’s was moving to Colorado (could have guessed) to marry her 27 year-old boyfriend, because she knew “god had wanted them to be together and that god’s love was eternal and we must all do god’s will” or something along those lines.

The best example is probably this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQKASww9Ni4

Crazy lady. Probably already has like three kids (is that possbile? two years… maybe?)

Anyway… Ya, so childhood was fun. Did some stuff probably would have made my mom shit if she found out. Good ting she can’t use the internet to read this. Like jumping off our roof onto the trampoline and then launching my little brother off it to see how far we could jump. Or throwing apples/pear we gathered from the trees in our yard at passing cars down the hill at the back of our house, growing tired of that and throwing harder things… do you know the sound a diecast thomas the tank engine hitting the side of a car going 80km/h sounds like? I do. In winter we were much more tame… just snowballs. But because we were little and they had less weight we had to be on the side walk to throw them properly. So when cars stopped, being the brilliant seven and five year-olds that we were, my brother and I would just sprint back up the hill right into our own backyard. Genius! Good things police never came by…

what is this post even about.

I always thought that being alone was the worst thing in life. I now realize that being surrounded by people who make you feel alone is far worse.